3 A.M. and I hear those little (sometimes loud) cries come through the monitor. I think to myself, wasn't I just up 3 hours ago? I groggily (and sometimes very frustrated) slip to her room, scoop her up, sit in her rocking chair, and nurse her. Some nights are better than others. Some nights I have a good attitude. Some nights I think...."you are almost 6 months old...shouldn't you be sleeping through the night?" BUT....every night, I am thankful. I am thankful for this little life. I am thankful that I get to rock her, that I get to nurse her, and that I have the privilege of loving her.

Motherhood is hard. I didn't even know how hard it would be. It is the most sanctifying and sacrificial thing I have ever done. It is a struggle between trusting your instincts and second guessing most everything you do. But, when I second guess myself I hear the Lord whisper....trust me. Because really, He is the One who knows BEST and can help me the most. He wants me to learn to walk closer with Him, and stop relying on my own abilities. He longs for me to sit with Him, and rest in Him.

The last few days have been hard....really hard. I have done nothing (or so it seems to me) but nurse her and hold her. She has been teething....and we actually can barely see and FEEL her first tooth coming through! So...my house looks like a bomb went off, photography has been put aside, and she has been it! But, I am so thankful. Yesterday was so hard, and I was going into the night with a bad attitude thinking, "this is going to be awful....". I went to take a shower and the Lord just said, "Laura, my grace is sufficient!" over and over to me. At that moment my entire attitude changed. Now...do I want to wake up once, twice, or eight times in the middle of the night? Um. No. But, at that moment, I knew the Lord wanted me to be joyful and remember that His grace is sufficient. I was talking to my mom about it, and she was telling me she remembered those days where it felt like she got nothing accomplished. She said she knew that the Lord was using these times to refine and teach me. I told her that He always is teaching me, but that often I don't see it until the end of the day when I am rocking Evie for the last time. It is hard, because I long to walk well IN THE MIDST of the hard times. I am thankful that His mercies are new EVERY MORNING!

I have learned that motherhood is a lot about expectations, but also about the giving those expectations to the Lord. It is not unusual that I would expect that my baby should sleep well by a certain age. I expect that each night, if I follow the same routines, she will have a similar night. I expect that she will nap well most days. :) There are so many days where I have a list of things I need to get done, but she needs me more. It would be easy to feel defeated, and I have felt that way often. But, I have also learned that it is much easier to not have expectations. It is easier to give my days to the Lord, and to not get upset when things do not go how I expect that they should. Expectations can only cultivate disappointment, frustration, and feelings of self-pity. Those things are not of the Lord. He is showing me that He wants to stretch me. He wants to take those hard moments and make them teachable moments. I don't always respond in the correct way. In fact, there are plenty of days that end in tears. But, His grace is sufficient and His plans are sovereign. He knows my days before I live them. I am learning that it is ok to not get it all done. I am learning it is ok to fall short (and I do!). I am learning to press in closer to Him, and hear His voice. I think He speaks to mama's in a special way....because, let's be honest, I talk to Him a lot during the day.

I am so grateful that I have gotten to watch this baby grow and change and develop the last six months. I have gotten to witness so many milestones from following our voices, smiling, giggling, squealing, rolling, sitting up, and so much more. What a privilege to see how the Lord has allowed her to grow and change. Motherhood is such an honor. She is such a gift. The good FAR outweighs the hard. God is using Evelyn to strip away all of the yuck in my life. He is using her to teach me, stretch me, and help me to stop trying so hard. It is true that the days are long. But, these last six months have truly flown by. I can only pray that I would continue to learn to walk well, and that I would savor every moment I have with her.