Thoughts on Motherhood (Volume 13)

Eight weeks of being a mom to two. There has been so much that I have learned. There have been meltdowns. There have been moments of pride...because when you get two kids down for a nap at the same time for multiple days in a row there is bound to be some pride and rejoicing. Haha! :) Then...there have been days where that pride has been shot straight back down with crying and only wanting to be held. Ultimately, the days are getting easier and we are getting into somewhat of a rhythm. No, nothing with my 8 week old is predictable quite yet, but overall we are figuring it out. Somedays we do things really well and mama has a good attitude...somedays I could probably melt down worse than my 2 year old. 

It is interesting doing the whole mama to a newborn thing for a second time. I remember or have recalled a lot...but of course the Lord allows you to forget about some of the hard stuff. Because I have done this before, it is easier for me to remember to let things go. My biggest lesson with Evelyn was that it is all a season. Every sleepless night is a season. Every fussy day where he only wants to be held is a season. Every witching hour is a season. One day he will sleep through the night (although he is a pretty great sleeper so far....knock on wood). One day he will play on the floor longer than 10-15 minutes. One day he won't need to nurse every 2 hours. One day my two year old won't melt for no apparent reason. One day she won't need me to sit with her and make her eat her food or cut up her food (while the baby cries). One day she will learn the meaning of "gentle". Yes, it is hard. The days are truly so long, but these 8 weeks have already passed so quickly. I am tired. But, I have had so many precious women who have modeled and continue to model motherhood for me. (Mom, Linds, Amy, and so many sweet friends)

I have prayed a lot in the last eight weeks. I can't say that my daughter's salvation hasn't been one of the top requests :) Just kidding....kind of. Yes, being a big sister has been so precious to watch. She LOVES her little brother, but she is certainly still navigating the waters of this new role and being 2. Again... a season. She has had some hard days and in turn mama has as well. I have prayed for grace and patience and for the Lord to give me WISDOM. Let's be honest...somedays I just don't know what to do. But, He is good. He is always good. He is always faithful even when I am unfaithful. He always meets me right where I am. When time with Him does not always look "quiet" or how I would prefer it to look, He is good to help me and come alongside me. 

I would say that the word that sums up the last 8 weeks would be challenging. Honestly, this season has been hard, but also one of the sweetest. God, in His GREAT mercy and great faithfulness has given us another little life to care for. I have gotten to see smiles for the first time again. Hear those sweet baby noises again. Nurse this little guy and watch him grow. I have had the privilege of watching him sleep, snuggling him, learning what he likes and dislikes, and just getting to be his mama. I pray that I never take it for granted. I have told my husband so many times that even on the hard days.......I am truly living my dream. I have always wanted to be a mama and stay home with my babies. I wouldn't dream of sugar coating it or making it seem like I have it all together or that it is easy. Come over and you will see. I am learning. I am young. I make and will continue to make plenty of mistakes. But, this is truly a dream come true. 

While challenging would describe the last several weeks......thankful would as well. I am so grateful for my husband who has come alongside this hormonal wife of his and been such a helper to me. I am thankful for sweet family and friends who have prayed for and checked on us. I am thankful for my sweet little Evelyn who challenges and teaches her mama so much each day. I am thankful for the precious heart that she has and how I see tiny little seeds being planted in her. I am thankful for baby boy who has brought so much joy to my heart. I am so grateful that he is sleeping and eating well. (No not through the night....haha). I am thankful for his sweet smiles that he gives. I am grateful to God for giving us these precious blessings. I have been overwhelmed at how good God is to give us two growing, healthy babies. We don't deserve it. 

I know that I will continue to have good and bad days. There will be days of feeling like I can handle this and days where I feel like I have failed. I serve a faithful God who has given me this job. I pray that I do it for His glory and as I serve my family, remember that I am serving Christ. 

Thoughts on Motherhood Volume 12 (Life with Two)

Whew....almost two weeks into life with two babies and it seems like the quickest and longest two weeks. I haven't done one of these posts in almost a year, but I want to document this time. Life with two is.......beautiful.....exhausting.....challenging.......fun.......all the emotions rolled into one. I was always so excited for this long awaited gift of having two babies. I could not wait to watch my sweet little Evelyn become a big sister! I couldn't wait to snuggle a newborn again!

With Evelyn, I felt like I soaked up every second. Every cry, smile, sleepless night, etc....it was all soaked up. This precious little boy has come into our family, and already I can feel that mom guilt of it all moving so quickly. I am trying so hard to soak every bit of his newness. I am trying to balance playing with my girl plus all the needs that my Joel has that only I can fulfill. Hard. So so hard. It has come with its challenges. Newborns like to be held a lot.....two year olds like the attention that they had become familiar with before they had a little brother so tantrums happen. Life with two has also been so precious!  Seeing Evelyn love on her "Baby Jo Jo" and watching this little love grow and change so quickly has been a great privilege. 

I have found that God has given so much grace for each moment. I'll be honest, last night Evelyn had a major meltdown. It was my first night to be home by myself to do dinner, bath, etc. But, I found that in the moment God showed me that this was going to be so fleeting. That was my biggest lesson through every stage of watching Evelyn grow. It is all a season. They feel long when you walk through them, but they are mostly incredibly short. God is so faithful. What a gift to be a mama to this little girl and little boy. I cannot wait to watch them grow. I cannot wait to teach them and love on them and prayerfully be a good example for them. 

I'm so grateful for our little family. I'm especially grateful for a helpful and loving husband. He has been so kind, let me cry, given Evelyn attention when she needed it, and let me shower everyday since we have been home! :) God is so good to us, and we have so much to be thankful for! 

**All of these sweet photos from the hospital were taken by a precious friend, Emily Bass** So grateful to have them! :) 

A Letter to My Girl on Her 2nd Birthday

My Little Evelyn,

Two years old. It is hard to believe that you have been in our family for two years. These years have been the sweetest for your dad and I. It is not always easy and you are teaching me so much about patience, my own selfishness, and about unconditional love. You have grown up so much this year, and sadly, we are seeing less and less of your baby side and more of your big girl side. That part isn't always fun, but what a joy to see you learn new things, your vocabulary explode, and you grow bigger each day. 

There is so much about your second year that I don't want to forget. You started walking between 13-14 months, and once you figured it out there was no stopping you. :) You LOVE books and want mama to read to you all the time. You are so smart and saying so many words. You are even saying a few little sentences here and there. It is so nice that you can communicate with us and we know what you want. You love Mickey Mouse and Doc McStuffins. You love music and love to dance. You started to love your baby doll Sally or "Sassy" as you call her and you are a good little mama! You love to feed her a bottle, but are still quick to bring her to me when she poo poos. :)

You are quick to fold your hands so we can pray before meals. You love to eat....and want a "nack" often. You are still a great sleeper most of the time! You have the most hilarious personality and can give some funny looks. You are incredibly outgoing, saying "hi!" to everyone in the grocery store or restaurants. But, bless it if they say hi back because depending on your mood...you cut those eyes making them think they did something terribly wrong. haha. You absolutely love the wa wa and going swimming is your favorite. You are a great swimmer and know how to float. You love animals...particularly puppies. Oh my gracious. They are your favorite!

You love your grandparents so much and all of your cousins and aunts and uncles. Bubbles and being outside are two of your favorite things as well. When we pray you like to say, "hold" like we need to hold hands when we do it. When you want me to sing "Jesus Loves Me" you say "Bible Bible". This year you also started testing lots of limits, and you weren't angelic all the time! :) You definitely have some sass to you and have opinions. For a while you didn't really know to say the word "no" but you have learned it and put it into practice when you want to. :) There are certainly days where you are fussy and irritable and mama has no idea what to do. But, most of the time you are a pretty content little girl. You play hard, eat well, and are typically sweet. 

My little love, I was praying for you this morning and praising God for your life. I can't get over the gift that He gave us in you. We waited and prayed for you for a long time, but my goodness.... The Lord exceeded our expectations. You are a treasure. Our lives are far more fun, harder (at times), more exhausting, but so much richer because you are in it. 

I am praying a lot of things for your third year. You are talking more and understanding more so I am praying that God helps me to continue to disciple you. I am praying that God will give us more conversations about stories in His Word. I am praying that I can teach you Scripture and that your little mind will absorb it. I am praying that I will be wise with how I spend my time when you are with me, remembering that each day is a gift and an opportunity to shepherd your heart. I am praying that you grow bigger. I am praying that you continue to learn to share and be kind (as this is not always easy). I am praying that even at this very young age, the Lord will pull your heart towards Him. There is nothing better, my girl. I am praying that your daddy and I will be good examples of Christ for you. 

You will experience a big transition this year as you become a big sister. I cannot wait for you to take on that role, but I know it will bring challenges for us both. You are such a joy my Evelyn Anne! I am so thankful that I get to be your mama. I am thankful that I get to spend my days with you. It has truly always been the desire of my heart, and how gracious of the Lord to allow it. I cannot wait to enjoy these last six months of it being just the three of us. 

Happy Birthday my precious Evelyn! I love you so much!

All My Love,

Mama

Thoughts on Motherhood Volume 11 (A Letter to my 18 Month Old)

Dear Sweet Evelyn,

Oh little girl, tomorrow you are officially 18 months old. I cannot fathom that I have gotten to be your mama for a year and a half. Truly.....it is an honor and a privilege. You are such a precious little thing. We are in a fun stage, but also one that presents lots of new waters for mama and daddy. 

You are learning so much everyday! I feel like I hear new words each day in the midst of all that babble! You "talk" all day long! I get to see you discover new things. Taking you outside is the most fun because you light up. You are amazed by all that you see! We are seeing quite the sassy side come out. You certainly have opinions, and don't mind letting us know. :)  You are a BUSY girl and go from one thing to the next! I see your little brain at work all the time!

We just celebrated your second Christmas as a family of three. It was so fun to watch you this year! Last year was so special because it was our first, but this year you were interested in opening presents, looking at lights, and lots of fun Christmas traditions! You loved your gifts, and again, it was surreal signing that Christmas card: "Brett, Laura, and Evelyn Kittrell"  I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. You have no idea how loved you are! 

There is so much about you at 18 months that I want to remember. I want to remember how you have started answering questions. A short and sweet "yea" is what we get most of the time! I want to remember how when I correct you to say, "yes ma'am" you have started saying "ma'am  ma'am" It's so precious! I want to remember how much you adore reading books, and how you go and grab one and come sit in my lap over and over. Current favorites are, "You are My I Love You", "We're Going on a Bear Hunt", and "10 Little Ladybugs".

I want to remember how much you love your sleep and how you are still holding onto that morning nap. (I say this in the most humble and thankful way ever, considering we had many many months of what felt like no sleep...and I felt like you might never figure it out....haha. :)  ) I want to remember how much you love to play in your bed when you wake up from your nap. I want to remember how much you love Mickey Mouse. I want to remember how you love giving eskimo kisses. I want to remember how much you love your cousins and your grandparents. I want to remember how much you love being outside...literally could stay out all day long. You think acorns are the best and we collect them daily! :) 

I want to remember how much you adore your daddy. I want to remember how you currently let us know that you don't like the word "No" by screaming. Actually...maybe I don't. :)  I want to remember how you will run back and forth to daddy and I to give out sweet hugs. I want to remember how when I ask you to "give me those eyes" you cut your eyes in the cutest little mean mug I ever did see.

I want to remember how much of a privilege it is to watch you grow. I also want to remember how I see God's grace in those moments when our days are not all sunshine and roses. There are lots of moments like that throughout the day. You are a joy, and I wouldn't trade my days with you. But, there are hard moments....moments where you would like to test the limits and enjoy standing your ground....moments where you whine for who in the world knows what? :) But, God is gracious. God is faithful to meet me where I am each day. 

Little girl, your chubby cheeks, sweet lips, and blue eyes are just edible. I am so proud of you and all that you are learning. I am so grateful to be your mama. I tear up often when I think about how God was so good to give you to us. You are our greatest blessing. I pray that you will continue to learn and grow. I pray that your little heart comes to know Jesus at a young age. I pray that you see Jesus in your mama each day. 

                                                                                  All My Love,                                                                

                                                                                           Mama

Thoughts on Motherhood (Volume 10)

It's been a couple of months since I have written about the happenings of being a mama. This post might also need to be titled "Ignorance is Bliss". Let me start by saying, I fully believe that we go through lots of seasons as mama's. Well, at 14 months old can I just say we are in such a joyful season?

Friends, I love everything about being a mom. From the time I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to have babies and stay home with them. I was prepared for changing diapers, smelling like spit up, doing lots of baby talk, and taking care of our home. When Evelyn arrived, as with most people when they have their first baby, your world is a little rocked. Sure...you have a pretty good idea about what life will look like, but really.....you don't have a clue until you are thrown into being a mom. I have tried to enjoy every stage that we have experienced so far. The first year was challenging with a lack of sleep, nursing all the time, figuring out schedules, and just learning this new role. Still, even on hard days....there is nothing like it. I know many would agree. 

I was telling Brett the other day that although I knew it could change at any point.....I felt like I was in such a sweet spot with being a mom. I seriously love everything about my days with Evelyn. I know many veteran mama's or mama's with lots of kiddos are probably laughing and thinking I just don't understand. Maybe not...but I truly enjoy spending my days with this little girl. I love watching her grow. I love taking care of her. I love watching her learn new things. I don't live for nap time. I just quite simply feel like the days are so much fun! 

Trust me....I know there will continue to be hard days. I know that the "terrible twos" or "threenager" years will hit, and already I see some sass the size of Texas in my sweet baby. Oh, and she can give a "mean mug" like nobody's business! :)  But....she is the sweetest thing most of the time! 

I also know that God has give me this great joy...this great privilege of being Evelyn's mama. It is the sweetest gift. She is the sweetest gift. I come out of her room so many nights after rocking her in tears. My poor husband. :) But, I can't help it. She is such a treasure. I love her so much. I am so grateful that the Lord is so sweet to provide for our family so that I can stay home with her each day. I am thankful that my husband has the desire for me to be home with her as well. I am thankful for my little business that is flexible and allows me to fulfill my first dream and role of being a mama.  Evelyn is such a picture of Psalm 66:20 which says,

"Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!" 

This baby was longed for, for what seems like forever. In God's timing, He graciously gave me the gift of Evelyn. As I am writing, I can't help but cry, for so many reasons.....Mainly, God's goodness. His faithfulness. His provision. The waiting was hard, but who knows what God was keeping me from....I certainly know I learned a lot in the waiting. I have to preach these things to myself when I struggle with waiting even now. It is sometimes a daily battle.

Yesterday I was reading in Psalm 92, and there is so much goodness and truth in these words. 

"It is good to praise the Lord, and make music to your name, O Most High, proclaiming your own love in the morning and your faithfulness at night, to the music of the ten-stringed lyre and the melody of the harp. For you make me glad by your deeds, Lord; I sing for joy at what your hand have done. How great are your works, Lord, how profound are your thoughts!" (verses 1-5)

So, I write this....not because I think Evelyn is perfect....(Gracious no!) But, to go back and read when we enter another hard season....another hard day. I know they will come. But, motherhood is such a precious gift, and one I don't want to waste. I am in a sweet season with the Lord as well right now, and He has been gracious to remind me of the good gifts in my life. I am SO UNDESERVING, but incredibly grateful. If you are in a blissful season....enjoy. If you are walking an exhausting road...remember, the hard roads are usually pretty short and go by quicker than I could have imagined.  :) 

Thoughts on Motherhood (Volume 9--A Birthday Letter to my Girl

My Dear Sweet Evelyn,

Happy Birthday little girl! One whole year. We made it. We both survived! It is hard to believe that on this day a year ago, we were anxiously awaiting your arrival. We didn't realize it was going to be as long of a day as it was. It was an incredibly draining and exhausting day, but we got the best best gift at 9:36 on that Tuesday evening. We got you. Our lives were forever changed. Honestly, if there is one word to wrap up how I feel as I reminisce about your first year, it is thankful. 

I have learned so many things.  In those first days and weeks there was so much adrenaline. There was tiredness as well, but mostly excitement and bliss that you were finally with us, that you were sleeping/eating well, and that you were my baby and I got to keep you forever. haha. You helped your daddy and I adjust, and had grace with us as we learned the ropes. As the weeks turned into months, we learned about sleep regression, teething, comfort nursing, and all sorts of fun stuff. :) There were some hard days, but as I tell everyone....even on the hardest days, the good far outweighs the bad. As you have grown, we have seen you learn so much. You are independent, but still love your mama and dada, and want to be held often. You are so smart. You are funny! You are loving, and have a smile that just melts your daddy and I. It is so fun to see you discover and recognize new things. 

There is so much I want to remember about this first year of your precious life. I want to remember how you light up in the mornings when I come in your room singing "Good Morning God".  I want to remember how that little smile went from gummy to toothy overnight it seems. I want to remember how big you smile when daddy gets home from work or pretty much anytime you see him. I want to remember how much you love those little plastic balls and your hammer. I want to remember how you seem to bounce from toy to toy and get so excited as you crawl towards the next thing. I want to remember how you bounce up and down when I tell you to dance. I want to remember how you CONSTANTLY say....."dadadadadadadadada" I want to remember how your little hands clap. I want to remember how you when I say, "Will you share?" you raise your little hand up with whatever you have to give it to me.  I want to remember how you lay your head on my shoulder when you are ready to go to sleep. I want to remember how much you love to eat ANY and EVERYTHING. ( I would be okay to forget how you literally make noise through every meal.... :) Bless your heart) I want to remember how you have started recognizing so many things when I ask where they are. You are so smart. I want to remember your sweet belly laugh. I want to remember how you have started just recently really getting into everything and trying to pull all the books off of your bookshelf or all the toys out. I want to remember how you finally sleep so well after several months of not-so-well. I want to remember how much I love hearing you "talk" and laugh in your carseat and get the biggest smile when I turn around and look at you. I want to remember how much your daddy and I love you, and all of the times daddy looks at me and says, "Mama, I just love her."

I feel incredibly grateful that God gave you to us. I have seen the gospel so clearly this year. God has stretched me. Being a mom is quite the humbling experience. I have seen how selfish I can be, and sin has certainly been revealed. But, God's grace has truly covered this first year of parenthood. The Lord has been so good. Tonight as I write this tears are running down my cheeks, because I am so overwhelmingly thankful that God has chosen me to be your mama. He truly gives such great gifts. He has consistently drawn near to me, met me where I am, and walked with me through all of the best days and the hardest days. 

You are an amazing little girl, Evelyn Anne. Please know that your daddy and I want to lead you well. We want you to see Jesus in our lives, and want you to know Him at a young age. He is best. His ways are best. His Word is so good. A relationship with Him is all that matters. I am praying that your heart is drawn to Him quickly. I am praying that you love His Word. I am praying that you grow to be a woman who fears Him, and walks with Him. You have made this year such a sweet experience. I cannot wait to continue watching you grow and change. It is a privilege to be your mama.

You are the best!

All My Love, 

Mama

Here is a little (actually long... :)  ) video of Evie's first year.....

Thoughts on Motherhood (Volume 8)

This time last year, I was quite pregnant. I was anxious. I was excited. I had no idea how my life was about to change, in both challenging ways and all the best ways. I had no idea that meeting the little life growing inside of me would change me in so many ways.

This week she has been with us for 11 months. I can't even wrap my mind around that. I have had the privilege of loving her and watching her grow for almost a full year. I have had lots of emotions as we approach her first birthday. I have been so excited as I have seen her grow and learn new things. I have been proud as I have seen her brave side come out or seen her listen to me when she hears "no no" :) I have also been so incredibly sad as I realize the days with her go so quickly. I have found myself rocking her a little longer in the evenings, really watching her play by herself more, and just been in awe of how good God is that He would allow me to be her mom. 

Please believe that the days are hard so often. The days are long, they test my patience, they make me question if I am doing things "right". But, they are the best days. I truly believe that. Just the other day I was in Target (duh) and the cashier asked how old she was. I told her 10 months, and she said she had a 5 month old and could not wait for her to be able to sit up, crawl, talk more, etc. I remember having those thoughts at times, but in my measly 11 months of motherhood wisdom, I looked at her and told her to enjoy every second and not to wish the different stages away. That has probably been one of my biggest prayers throughout Evelyn's 11 months of life. I have prayed so often that I would stop and enjoy every phase and every milestone as it came. For the most part, I feel like God has answered that prayer.

I just enjoy the fact that I get to be her mama. Sure, I have wished away sleepless nights, and had moments where I have wanted her to reach certain milestones at a quicker pace. I (still) am wishing she was more patient when she eats and didn't act like each meal was her last when it is over. (Those of you who have had the privilege of eating in her presence know what I am talking about. :)  ) I have not been perfect. But, all in all, I have truly tried to slow down and savor the days. I have cried ridiculous tears thinking about how she will be 12 before I know it. :) Even Brett told me that he saw a little girl eating lunch with her mom the other day and she was about 10, and all he could think was....."this is going to be Evie before I know it...." 

I am overwhelmed with gratitude. The Lord has truly shown so much of His goodness in my life by giving me Evelyn. I am undeserving of such a gift. So as she is now 11 months.....I will savor this last month of her first year. I will try to stop and truly be grateful for all of the moments (fussy ones included....aka today) I will treasure snuggles. I will look forward to seeing her happy face each day. I will love on her! I will praise God for her life! I will praise God that she is healthy and growing. I will enjoy my baby girl, and pray for her life! Thank you God for my precious Evelyn!

Thoughts on Motherhood (Volume 7--Mother's Day)

I have been a mom for 300 days now. I have experienced so much in these 300 days. The other day, Brett and I were talking and he asked me, "So...in her almost 10 month of life...is it everything you thought it would be?"  My response was that it was so much better and so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. 

I remember sitting in church last mother's day feeling the kicks and pokes and rolls from my baby girl. I remember being so incredibly happy to finally be able to have those feelings after so much prayer. Now, a year later, I can tell you that being a mom is simply more than I could ever put into words. 

In the last 300 days I have experienced.....what is the phrase everyone is saying...."all the feels" (I kind of really hate that term :)   ) But, it is accurate. Only motherhood could have you feeling so incredibly excited to see all of the next stages your baby will go through, and in the next minute be crying because you are so sad they are getting bigger. :)

I have experienced every emotion. Motherhood throws so many curve balls at you. I was telling a friend that I feel like it is so much trial and error. I have found myself going from confident to second guessing each decision I make. I remember in my early months of motherhood worrying about her schedule, her sleep, nursing, and everything in between. I have certainly grown in my confidence in the last few months, but I have also seen new areas where I worry.  I worry about everything from her falling and hitting her head to future friendships to her relationship with the Lord. Because.........all of those things are in my control right? haha. God is so sweet to consistently remind me that He is in control and that I do not have to worry.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" (Luke 12:25)

This tiny little girl has changed my perspective in so many ways. I get to see her discover new things. I get to see her feel the wind on her face and get excited. I get to see her little mind learn and grow and finally grasp things I am teaching her. I have gotten to see her little body learn to roll over, crawl, and before too long she will walk and run!  What an incredible privilege! I can't believe how much she has grown. I love getting to see the world through her little eyes.

It also has made me think so much about my own mom. She is the most incredible woman. On the long fussy days and the exhausting nights, I think....she did this four times...and I may do it four times as well, but currently the Lord is giving me grace for one. But my mom....I see the sacrifices she made. I see how hard it was on some days. But, I also see the great rewards that are to come. I know that I most likely have no idea the hard and good things that I will experience, but in these ten months I have gotten just a glimpse of how she felt. I think about how as moms we just press on each day, because truly......we do not get an off day. The days are so busy. Sometimes it is just hard to be a mama. But, gracious me...what a blessing. What an honor. My mom has already left such a legacy. Her life should be celebrated today and EVERY single day. She cooked, she cleaned, she drove us everywhere, she sacrificed, she helped with projects, she did it all. She was and is a Godly example for me, and continues to push me towards Christ as I walk through motherhood. I pray that I am half the mom that she was and is to my siblings and I. 

So.....to my mom, thank you. You are a sweet example to me. You love the Lord with all your heart, and push me towards the Lord. You encourage, and you call me out. You are a helper to me and the most loving and sacrificial woman. Thank you for your years of doing it all. I love you so so much!

My sweet Evelyn, I am so grateful God gave you to me. I am so thankful that you made me a mama, and that I get to spend my days with you. You have made these last 300 days some of the sweetest and most challenging. God has used you to refine me. He has used you to show me just a small glimpse of His love for His children.  I cherish every moment I get to rock you, feed you, play with you, hear you cry, kiss you, hug you, and watch you grow. I have cried so many tears as I think about how overwhelmed I am to get to parent you. I pray that I do it well. I pray that you always know you are so loved by me.

Happy Mother's Day to every Mama out there! To those who are waiting and longing to be a mama, I am saying a special prayer for you today, because I know that feeling all to well. 

Thoughts on Motherhood (Volume 6)

I could imagine that when you become a mom, whether it is your first or your fifth, it takes a while to catch your breath. You feel like you are in survival mode as you strive to figure out this new rhythm for your family. I am sure that the amount of  time when you get out of that newness and start to feel that "I got this" attitude is different from person to person. For me, I felt that we stepped out of the fog and into a groove as a family of three when Evelyn turned six months old. Now, the Lord was so gracious to allow us to have many days in the first six months where we felt good, rested, and normal. The first six months were so sweet, and by no means misery. But, as a whole, I don't think we really "figured it out" (FYI : I use that term very loosely :)  ) until about 6 months in.

Now that we are nine months in, we have settled into our routine. Evelyn is more consistent with eating and sleeping. It just feels more comfortable. There are still days where Ev is whiny and doesn't nap well, and it seems like all I do is cry out to the Lord for patience and grace. (Ahem...this week...ahem teeth) Then there are days where she seems angelic, naps well, we go on walks, and I think to myself....this is what I signed up for. :) haha.  

But really....I signed up for all of it. I signed up for the smiles, cries, sleepless nights, day to day routine, milestones, the good, and the bad. There are days when it is so challenging. There are days when I climb into bed and think....what did I do today? But y'all....what a privilege to be a mama. What a hard, wonderful, exhausting, sanctifying privilege it is! I just finished reading the book, "The Practice of the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence, and what a gift. The stories of his life and how he learned to just be in and aware of the Lord's presence throughout his days was so good for me to read about. There are days where I go through my routines and feel like it is the same every single day. Wake up, make breakfast, play, nap time, laundry, cleaning, fix lunch, play, nap time, dinner, play, bath, bedtime, repeat. 

"The dear brother remarked that we must give ourselves totally to God in both temporal and spiritual affairs. Our only happiness should come from doing God's will, whether it brings us some pain or great pleasure."

Yes! I should be joyful all the time throughout my day because this is the work that God has given me to do!

"The most effective way Brother Lawrence had for communicating with God was to simply do his ordinary work. He did this obediently, out of a pure love of God, purifying it as much as was humanly possible. He believed it was a serious mistake to think of our prayer time as being different from any other. Our actions should unite us with God when we are involved in our daily activities, just as our prayers unite us with Him in our quiet devotion."

This has so helped me. Am I going through my daily routines because it is what I have to do? Do I do my tasks with a grateful and joyful heart? Sometimes....I do. But there are days that I don't. I should be doing my work out of a love for the Lord. Since becoming a mom, I have found myself lifting up prayers more continually throughout my days. Somedays my time with Him looks different than others. But, I have really tried to practice being in His presence and dwelling with Him during my days, and not just for the 30-45 minutes I have with Him in the morning. Because really......I NEED Him all day. I need His grace, and I need to be in communion with Him. 

In the last nine months I have watched my baby grow. She is getting so big and more independent. I have shed frustrated tears. I have shed emotional tears about how fast the days are going. I have been confident, and I have doubted myself. I can't even explain how much I have learned. So often I look at this baby growing and think, "this is the sweetest gift that the Lord could ever give me." She is. It doesn't mean it is easy or fun all of the time. But, it is truly one thing God is using in my life to strengthen my faith, draw me closer to Him, reveal so much sin, and sanctify me. 

I really do try to savor the time I have with her. I am grateful for the days, even when they are long. I am grateful that I get to see her grow and change. I am thankful for the good and the hard.

Nine months ago, I had no idea the extent to which my life would change.

My Evie girl, I love you dearly. You are such a treasure. It is hard to believe we are almost done with your first year. I plan to savor these last three months of your first year, and truly soak them in. You bring us so much joy! Happy nine months baby girl!

**Photos of our family together by the talented Samantha Vickers Photography**

Thoughts on Motherhood (Volume 5)

3 A.M. and I hear those little (sometimes loud) cries come through the monitor. I think to myself, wasn't I just up 3 hours ago? I groggily (and sometimes very frustrated) slip to her room, scoop her up, sit in her rocking chair, and nurse her. Some nights are better than others. Some nights I have a good attitude. Some nights I think...."you are almost 6 months old...shouldn't you be sleeping through the night?" BUT....every night, I am thankful. I am thankful for this little life. I am thankful that I get to rock her, that I get to nurse her, and that I have the privilege of loving her.

Motherhood is hard. I didn't even know how hard it would be. It is the most sanctifying and sacrificial thing I have ever done. It is a struggle between trusting your instincts and second guessing most everything you do. But, when I second guess myself I hear the Lord whisper....trust me. Because really, He is the One who knows BEST and can help me the most. He wants me to learn to walk closer with Him, and stop relying on my own abilities. He longs for me to sit with Him, and rest in Him. 

The last few days have been hard....really hard. I have done nothing (or so it seems to me) but nurse her and hold her. She has been teething....and we actually can barely see and FEEL her first tooth coming through! So...my house looks like a bomb went off, photography has been put aside, and she has been it!  But, I am so thankful. Yesterday was so hard, and I was going into the night with a bad attitude thinking, "this is going to be awful....". I went to take a shower and the Lord just said, "Laura, my grace is sufficient!" over and over to me. At that moment my entire attitude changed. Now...do I want to wake up once, twice, or eight times in the middle of the night? Um. No. But, at that moment, I knew the Lord wanted me to be joyful and remember that His grace is sufficient. I was talking to my mom about it, and she was telling me she remembered those days where it felt like she got nothing accomplished. She said she knew that the Lord was using these times to refine and teach me. I told her that He always is teaching me, but that often I don't see it until the end of the day when I am rocking Evie for the last time. It is hard, because I long to walk well IN THE MIDST of the hard times. I am thankful that His mercies are new EVERY MORNING! 

I have learned that motherhood is a lot about expectations, but also about the giving those expectations to the Lord. It is not unusual that I would expect that my baby should sleep well by a certain age. I expect that each night, if I follow the same routines, she will have a similar night. I expect that she will nap well most days. :) There are so many days where I have a list of things I need to get done, but she needs me more. It would be easy to feel defeated, and I have felt that way often. But, I have also learned that it is much easier to not have expectations. It is easier to give my days to the Lord, and  to not get upset when things do not go how I expect that they should. Expectations can only cultivate disappointment, frustration, and feelings of self-pity. Those things are not of the Lord. He is showing me that He wants to stretch me. He wants to take those hard moments and make them teachable moments. I don't always respond in the correct way. In fact, there are plenty of days that end in tears. But, His grace is sufficient and His plans are sovereign. He knows my days before I live them. I am learning that it is ok to not get it all done. I am learning it is ok to fall short (and I do!). I am learning to press in closer to Him, and hear His voice. I think He speaks to mama's in a special way....because, let's be honest, I talk to Him a lot during the day. 

I am so grateful that I have gotten to watch this baby grow and change and develop the last six months. I have gotten to witness so many milestones from following our voices, smiling, giggling, squealing, rolling, sitting up, and so much more. What a privilege to see how the Lord has allowed her to grow and change. Motherhood is such an honor. She is such a gift. The good FAR outweighs the hard. God is using Evelyn to strip away all of the yuck in my life. He is using her to teach me, stretch me, and help me to stop trying so hard. It is true that the days are long. But, these last six months have truly flown by. I can only pray that I would continue to learn to walk well, and that I would savor every moment I have with her.

My sweet Evelyn, you are a treasure, and I love you to pieces!