Thoughts on Motherhood (Volume 13)

Eight weeks of being a mom to two. There has been so much that I have learned. There have been meltdowns. There have been moments of pride...because when you get two kids down for a nap at the same time for multiple days in a row there is bound to be some pride and rejoicing. Haha! :) Then...there have been days where that pride has been shot straight back down with crying and only wanting to be held. Ultimately, the days are getting easier and we are getting into somewhat of a rhythm. No, nothing with my 8 week old is predictable quite yet, but overall we are figuring it out. Somedays we do things really well and mama has a good attitude...somedays I could probably melt down worse than my 2 year old. 

It is interesting doing the whole mama to a newborn thing for a second time. I remember or have recalled a lot...but of course the Lord allows you to forget about some of the hard stuff. Because I have done this before, it is easier for me to remember to let things go. My biggest lesson with Evelyn was that it is all a season. Every sleepless night is a season. Every fussy day where he only wants to be held is a season. Every witching hour is a season. One day he will sleep through the night (although he is a pretty great sleeper so far....knock on wood). One day he will play on the floor longer than 10-15 minutes. One day he won't need to nurse every 2 hours. One day my two year old won't melt for no apparent reason. One day she won't need me to sit with her and make her eat her food or cut up her food (while the baby cries). One day she will learn the meaning of "gentle". Yes, it is hard. The days are truly so long, but these 8 weeks have already passed so quickly. I am tired. But, I have had so many precious women who have modeled and continue to model motherhood for me. (Mom, Linds, Amy, and so many sweet friends)

I have prayed a lot in the last eight weeks. I can't say that my daughter's salvation hasn't been one of the top requests :) Just kidding....kind of. Yes, being a big sister has been so precious to watch. She LOVES her little brother, but she is certainly still navigating the waters of this new role and being 2. Again... a season. She has had some hard days and in turn mama has as well. I have prayed for grace and patience and for the Lord to give me WISDOM. Let's be honest...somedays I just don't know what to do. But, He is good. He is always good. He is always faithful even when I am unfaithful. He always meets me right where I am. When time with Him does not always look "quiet" or how I would prefer it to look, He is good to help me and come alongside me. 

I would say that the word that sums up the last 8 weeks would be challenging. Honestly, this season has been hard, but also one of the sweetest. God, in His GREAT mercy and great faithfulness has given us another little life to care for. I have gotten to see smiles for the first time again. Hear those sweet baby noises again. Nurse this little guy and watch him grow. I have had the privilege of watching him sleep, snuggling him, learning what he likes and dislikes, and just getting to be his mama. I pray that I never take it for granted. I have told my husband so many times that even on the hard days.......I am truly living my dream. I have always wanted to be a mama and stay home with my babies. I wouldn't dream of sugar coating it or making it seem like I have it all together or that it is easy. Come over and you will see. I am learning. I am young. I make and will continue to make plenty of mistakes. But, this is truly a dream come true. 

While challenging would describe the last several weeks......thankful would as well. I am so grateful for my husband who has come alongside this hormonal wife of his and been such a helper to me. I am thankful for sweet family and friends who have prayed for and checked on us. I am thankful for my sweet little Evelyn who challenges and teaches her mama so much each day. I am thankful for the precious heart that she has and how I see tiny little seeds being planted in her. I am thankful for baby boy who has brought so much joy to my heart. I am so grateful that he is sleeping and eating well. (No not through the night....haha). I am thankful for his sweet smiles that he gives. I am grateful to God for giving us these precious blessings. I have been overwhelmed at how good God is to give us two growing, healthy babies. We don't deserve it. 

I know that I will continue to have good and bad days. There will be days of feeling like I can handle this and days where I feel like I have failed. I serve a faithful God who has given me this job. I pray that I do it for His glory and as I serve my family, remember that I am serving Christ. 

Thoughts on Motherhood Volume 12 (Life with Two)

Whew....almost two weeks into life with two babies and it seems like the quickest and longest two weeks. I haven't done one of these posts in almost a year, but I want to document this time. Life with two is.......beautiful.....exhausting.....challenging.......fun.......all the emotions rolled into one. I was always so excited for this long awaited gift of having two babies. I could not wait to watch my sweet little Evelyn become a big sister! I couldn't wait to snuggle a newborn again!

With Evelyn, I felt like I soaked up every second. Every cry, smile, sleepless night, etc....it was all soaked up. This precious little boy has come into our family, and already I can feel that mom guilt of it all moving so quickly. I am trying so hard to soak every bit of his newness. I am trying to balance playing with my girl plus all the needs that my Joel has that only I can fulfill. Hard. So so hard. It has come with its challenges. Newborns like to be held a lot.....two year olds like the attention that they had become familiar with before they had a little brother so tantrums happen. Life with two has also been so precious!  Seeing Evelyn love on her "Baby Jo Jo" and watching this little love grow and change so quickly has been a great privilege. 

I have found that God has given so much grace for each moment. I'll be honest, last night Evelyn had a major meltdown. It was my first night to be home by myself to do dinner, bath, etc. But, I found that in the moment God showed me that this was going to be so fleeting. That was my biggest lesson through every stage of watching Evelyn grow. It is all a season. They feel long when you walk through them, but they are mostly incredibly short. God is so faithful. What a gift to be a mama to this little girl and little boy. I cannot wait to watch them grow. I cannot wait to teach them and love on them and prayerfully be a good example for them. 

I'm so grateful for our little family. I'm especially grateful for a helpful and loving husband. He has been so kind, let me cry, given Evelyn attention when she needed it, and let me shower everyday since we have been home! :) God is so good to us, and we have so much to be thankful for! 

**All of these sweet photos from the hospital were taken by a precious friend, Emily Bass** So grateful to have them! :) 

Baby Kittrell #2 Is............

Well, apparently my patience is not as great this time around! If we would have waited to find out what the gender of this baby was until our anatomy scan, it would have landed at 20 weeks (same as Evelyn).  Tuesday was my birthday, and I told my husband that I would love to find out what we were having! I am 16 weeks and the thought of waiting 4 more weeks didn't sound fun, but I was of course willing to do so. Well, he sweetly set it up for us to go get a little sneak and we were able to find out if Evelyn was getting a brother or a sister! Because we did a little video to announce that Evelyn would be joining our family, we thought we should do the same for this little one! We cannot wait to welcome this sweet baby in January! 

A Letter to My Girl on Her 2nd Birthday

My Little Evelyn,

Two years old. It is hard to believe that you have been in our family for two years. These years have been the sweetest for your dad and I. It is not always easy and you are teaching me so much about patience, my own selfishness, and about unconditional love. You have grown up so much this year, and sadly, we are seeing less and less of your baby side and more of your big girl side. That part isn't always fun, but what a joy to see you learn new things, your vocabulary explode, and you grow bigger each day. 

There is so much about your second year that I don't want to forget. You started walking between 13-14 months, and once you figured it out there was no stopping you. :) You LOVE books and want mama to read to you all the time. You are so smart and saying so many words. You are even saying a few little sentences here and there. It is so nice that you can communicate with us and we know what you want. You love Mickey Mouse and Doc McStuffins. You love music and love to dance. You started to love your baby doll Sally or "Sassy" as you call her and you are a good little mama! You love to feed her a bottle, but are still quick to bring her to me when she poo poos. :)

You are quick to fold your hands so we can pray before meals. You love to eat....and want a "nack" often. You are still a great sleeper most of the time! You have the most hilarious personality and can give some funny looks. You are incredibly outgoing, saying "hi!" to everyone in the grocery store or restaurants. But, bless it if they say hi back because depending on your mood...you cut those eyes making them think they did something terribly wrong. haha. You absolutely love the wa wa and going swimming is your favorite. You are a great swimmer and know how to float. You love animals...particularly puppies. Oh my gracious. They are your favorite!

You love your grandparents so much and all of your cousins and aunts and uncles. Bubbles and being outside are two of your favorite things as well. When we pray you like to say, "hold" like we need to hold hands when we do it. When you want me to sing "Jesus Loves Me" you say "Bible Bible". This year you also started testing lots of limits, and you weren't angelic all the time! :) You definitely have some sass to you and have opinions. For a while you didn't really know to say the word "no" but you have learned it and put it into practice when you want to. :) There are certainly days where you are fussy and irritable and mama has no idea what to do. But, most of the time you are a pretty content little girl. You play hard, eat well, and are typically sweet. 

My little love, I was praying for you this morning and praising God for your life. I can't get over the gift that He gave us in you. We waited and prayed for you for a long time, but my goodness.... The Lord exceeded our expectations. You are a treasure. Our lives are far more fun, harder (at times), more exhausting, but so much richer because you are in it. 

I am praying a lot of things for your third year. You are talking more and understanding more so I am praying that God helps me to continue to disciple you. I am praying that God will give us more conversations about stories in His Word. I am praying that I can teach you Scripture and that your little mind will absorb it. I am praying that I will be wise with how I spend my time when you are with me, remembering that each day is a gift and an opportunity to shepherd your heart. I am praying that you grow bigger. I am praying that you continue to learn to share and be kind (as this is not always easy). I am praying that even at this very young age, the Lord will pull your heart towards Him. There is nothing better, my girl. I am praying that your daddy and I will be good examples of Christ for you. 

You will experience a big transition this year as you become a big sister. I cannot wait for you to take on that role, but I know it will bring challenges for us both. You are such a joy my Evelyn Anne! I am so thankful that I get to be your mama. I am thankful that I get to spend my days with you. It has truly always been the desire of my heart, and how gracious of the Lord to allow it. I cannot wait to enjoy these last six months of it being just the three of us. 

Happy Birthday my precious Evelyn! I love you so much!

All My Love,

Mama

Because...He is Faithful No Matter What

Remember this post.... The post that I felt like I had waited forever to get to write... The one where we finally got to announce that a sweet little baby was growing in my tummy? I was so excited! I  remember crying so many tears and being giddy that I got to share this long awaited news. It had taken what seemed like an eternity to finally be pregnant.

Well, we are kind of in the waiting boat again, and really have been since Evelyn was born. Now, don't get me wrong....when you have a precious little girl that was the answer to so many prayers, waiting with you, taking up your time, etc.....it makes the waiting game a bit easier. Here is the deal.....in the last couple of months I have been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. For a girl who has dreamed of being a mama to many babies since she was little...this was a difficult blow. I have cried lots of tears. 

My initial response was feeling sorry for myself. Why God? Why do so many other people simply have to look at each other and they get pregnant? Why am I going to have to keep waiting longer? Why is this so difficult? He has been gracious to listen to my cries. Since then, God, in all of His grace, has taken me by the hand, and begun to show me how to walk through this. I have had some hard days where I have been sad and discouraged. I have also had a lot of great days where I walk well through this trial. He has sustained me and will continue to sustain me.

God has been teaching me a lot lately. The other day I was thinking to myself that I couldn't wait to share my story AFTER I got pregnant and talk about God's faithfulness through all of it. I couldn't wait to encourage someone going through the same thing when I came out on the other side. The Lord spoke to me and said...."Why not now?" I immediately felt terrible, because I realized that this was as if I was saying that He wasn't being faithful now or until I got what I prayed for. God has graciously been showing me that HE IS ENOUGH. Of course I have known that...but, He is meeting me where I need Him. 

A few months ago I was reading in the Psalms (which I have found myself in a lot lately). In Psalm 66 verse 12 says, "You let people ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but YOU BROUGHT US TO A PLACE of ABUNDANCE." It goes on in verse 20 to say, "Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!" This Psalm is referencing how faithful God was in bringing the Israelites out of Egypt and to the Promised Land! I remember my initial thought being...I can't wait for the abundance. I can't wait to see how He doesn't withhold His love from me. But friend, He hasn't! He allows me to wake up each day. I am living in abundance because I get to walk with Christ!! I am living in abundance because I get to talk to Him whenever I want! I get to read His Word. I get to serve Him. Everything else is just a good gift from Him.....They are just the cherry on top of being known by my heavenly Father. 

In August, the Lord showed me this verse: "I will remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalms 27:13-14   He also brought me back to it last Friday when I really needed it. It would be easy to interpret it my own way. Goodness of the Lord=Pregnancy. Right? Waiting for...........a baby. Right? But this might not be the case, and if it isn't I am still promised to see His goodness. This is what He has shown me......

God is faithful if I get pregnant and get to be a mama four more times. He is faithful if I get to be a mama one more time. He is faithful if I get pregnant and tragically lose that baby. He is faithful if I never get pregnant again. He is faithful if we adopt. He is faithful if Evelyn is our only child. His plans are PERFECT. His plans are BEST. His plans for my life will be whatever brings Him the most glory. He is sovereign over every situation. 

So sure....does it sting when month after month goes by without being pregnant? Maybe a little. But friends, nothing compares to being known by my heavenly Father. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. But, I know that He can change my desires. My heart has to be content in Him. There are days where walking this road seems like the hardest thing, and you know....I haven't had many moments in my life where I have had to struggle so it probably is. There are also days where He consistently shows me that a relationship with Him, spending time with Him, sitting and resting in His presence is only thing I need. I am learning that when my heart hurts or doubts His goodness, I need to press in closer to Him. I have to be in His Word so that I can know Him better. The more I know Him, the more I can trust Him. My heart ebbs and flows. My emotions ebb and flow. But, God is constant. He is always with me. He never changes. He is always faithful... no matter what.

Thoughts on Motherhood Volume 11 (A Letter to my 18 Month Old)

Dear Sweet Evelyn,

Oh little girl, tomorrow you are officially 18 months old. I cannot fathom that I have gotten to be your mama for a year and a half. Truly.....it is an honor and a privilege. You are such a precious little thing. We are in a fun stage, but also one that presents lots of new waters for mama and daddy. 

You are learning so much everyday! I feel like I hear new words each day in the midst of all that babble! You "talk" all day long! I get to see you discover new things. Taking you outside is the most fun because you light up. You are amazed by all that you see! We are seeing quite the sassy side come out. You certainly have opinions, and don't mind letting us know. :)  You are a BUSY girl and go from one thing to the next! I see your little brain at work all the time!

We just celebrated your second Christmas as a family of three. It was so fun to watch you this year! Last year was so special because it was our first, but this year you were interested in opening presents, looking at lights, and lots of fun Christmas traditions! You loved your gifts, and again, it was surreal signing that Christmas card: "Brett, Laura, and Evelyn Kittrell"  I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. You have no idea how loved you are! 

There is so much about you at 18 months that I want to remember. I want to remember how you have started answering questions. A short and sweet "yea" is what we get most of the time! I want to remember how when I correct you to say, "yes ma'am" you have started saying "ma'am  ma'am" It's so precious! I want to remember how much you adore reading books, and how you go and grab one and come sit in my lap over and over. Current favorites are, "You are My I Love You", "We're Going on a Bear Hunt", and "10 Little Ladybugs".

I want to remember how much you love your sleep and how you are still holding onto that morning nap. (I say this in the most humble and thankful way ever, considering we had many many months of what felt like no sleep...and I felt like you might never figure it out....haha. :)  ) I want to remember how much you love to play in your bed when you wake up from your nap. I want to remember how much you love Mickey Mouse. I want to remember how you love giving eskimo kisses. I want to remember how much you love your cousins and your grandparents. I want to remember how much you love being outside...literally could stay out all day long. You think acorns are the best and we collect them daily! :) 

I want to remember how much you adore your daddy. I want to remember how you currently let us know that you don't like the word "No" by screaming. Actually...maybe I don't. :)  I want to remember how you will run back and forth to daddy and I to give out sweet hugs. I want to remember how when I ask you to "give me those eyes" you cut your eyes in the cutest little mean mug I ever did see.

I want to remember how much of a privilege it is to watch you grow. I also want to remember how I see God's grace in those moments when our days are not all sunshine and roses. There are lots of moments like that throughout the day. You are a joy, and I wouldn't trade my days with you. But, there are hard moments....moments where you would like to test the limits and enjoy standing your ground....moments where you whine for who in the world knows what? :) But, God is gracious. God is faithful to meet me where I am each day. 

Little girl, your chubby cheeks, sweet lips, and blue eyes are just edible. I am so proud of you and all that you are learning. I am so grateful to be your mama. I tear up often when I think about how God was so good to give you to us. You are our greatest blessing. I pray that you will continue to learn and grow. I pray that your little heart comes to know Jesus at a young age. I pray that you see Jesus in your mama each day. 

                                                                                  All My Love,                                                                

                                                                                           Mama

Five Years

Dear Sweet Husband,

5 Years...I cannot believe it has been 5 years since we said "I Do" on that beautiful fall day. I have to say....I personally think our wedding day was just the best. I remember how unbelievably excited I was leading up to that day. The details were beautiful, the food was good, so many precious friends came to witness, but all I could think about was that I was finally going to get to be your wife. After three and a half years of dating, finally.....I got to marry my best friend. Joy...overwhelming joy.

I remember our ceremony being so meaningful. I know a lot of people don't worry too much about the ceremony, but it was my favorite part. My heart pounded as my dad walked me down the aisle. I was far more emotional than I thought I would be, and seeing your face at the end was just the best. I loved our ceremony. I loved our vows, and loved that I got to commit myself to you until death. 

In the last five years we have been through so much. There have certainly been good times and harder times. You have been the most amazing partner. I am incredibly grateful that God brought us together. You are caring and kind. You have been a shoulder to cry on when my heart has been so hurt. You constantly make me laugh. You are compassionate and a good friend to me and so many others. You encourage me. You point me back to the Lord, and consistently pray for me and with me. 

You are a helper. You are gracious and hardworking. About 16 months ago you gave me the sweetest gift in encouraging and allowing me to stay home with our sweet Evelyn. I have gotten to watch you become a wonderful father. That little girl adores you almost as much as I do, and I love watching you with her. 

Thank you for all that you do for our family. Thank you for being my biggest cheerleader, and also calling me out when I need it. Thank you for loving me so well. You are my best friend, and I am so grateful I have gotten to walk beside you these last five years. I pray we have many more together, and that we glorify the Lord more and more every year. I am thankful for our life together. I love you dearly, Brett!  Happy Anniversary!

Love, 

Laura

It's A.......

I completely planned to post some photography related posts before now. However, between sickness, school, and everything else....I just have not felt like it. But, yesterday is a day worth sharing about. Brett and I went to the doctor to find out if this sweet baby growing inside me is a boy or a girl. It was such a special day. We made a little video to share the news with our family.....

It's a GIRL! I was obviously shocked. As you can tell by my outfit.....I was thinking team boy all the way! It still hasn't quite set in that it is a girl! But...we are thrilled and praising God for a healthy baby!!

3 Years

I can't believe it has been 3 years. B, November 12, 2011 was the happiest day! I remember being SO excited! I could not wait to marry you! Thank you for being an amazing husband. Thank you for being helpful, caring, and sensitive! Thank you for loving me well. Thank you for being the BEST!

You are my favorite! I am so happy that you asked me to marry you! I am so thankful for our marriage, and cannot imagine standing next to anyone else as I walk through life. I love you so much more than I did three years ago!

You are the BEST husband! :)