Thoughts on Motherhood (Volume 13)

Eight weeks of being a mom to two. There has been so much that I have learned. There have been meltdowns. There have been moments of pride...because when you get two kids down for a nap at the same time for multiple days in a row there is bound to be some pride and rejoicing. Haha! :) Then...there have been days where that pride has been shot straight back down with crying and only wanting to be held. Ultimately, the days are getting easier and we are getting into somewhat of a rhythm. No, nothing with my 8 week old is predictable quite yet, but overall we are figuring it out. Somedays we do things really well and mama has a good attitude...somedays I could probably melt down worse than my 2 year old. 

It is interesting doing the whole mama to a newborn thing for a second time. I remember or have recalled a lot...but of course the Lord allows you to forget about some of the hard stuff. Because I have done this before, it is easier for me to remember to let things go. My biggest lesson with Evelyn was that it is all a season. Every sleepless night is a season. Every fussy day where he only wants to be held is a season. Every witching hour is a season. One day he will sleep through the night (although he is a pretty great sleeper so far....knock on wood). One day he will play on the floor longer than 10-15 minutes. One day he won't need to nurse every 2 hours. One day my two year old won't melt for no apparent reason. One day she won't need me to sit with her and make her eat her food or cut up her food (while the baby cries). One day she will learn the meaning of "gentle". Yes, it is hard. The days are truly so long, but these 8 weeks have already passed so quickly. I am tired. But, I have had so many precious women who have modeled and continue to model motherhood for me. (Mom, Linds, Amy, and so many sweet friends)

I have prayed a lot in the last eight weeks. I can't say that my daughter's salvation hasn't been one of the top requests :) Just kidding....kind of. Yes, being a big sister has been so precious to watch. She LOVES her little brother, but she is certainly still navigating the waters of this new role and being 2. Again... a season. She has had some hard days and in turn mama has as well. I have prayed for grace and patience and for the Lord to give me WISDOM. Let's be honest...somedays I just don't know what to do. But, He is good. He is always good. He is always faithful even when I am unfaithful. He always meets me right where I am. When time with Him does not always look "quiet" or how I would prefer it to look, He is good to help me and come alongside me. 

I would say that the word that sums up the last 8 weeks would be challenging. Honestly, this season has been hard, but also one of the sweetest. God, in His GREAT mercy and great faithfulness has given us another little life to care for. I have gotten to see smiles for the first time again. Hear those sweet baby noises again. Nurse this little guy and watch him grow. I have had the privilege of watching him sleep, snuggling him, learning what he likes and dislikes, and just getting to be his mama. I pray that I never take it for granted. I have told my husband so many times that even on the hard days.......I am truly living my dream. I have always wanted to be a mama and stay home with my babies. I wouldn't dream of sugar coating it or making it seem like I have it all together or that it is easy. Come over and you will see. I am learning. I am young. I make and will continue to make plenty of mistakes. But, this is truly a dream come true. 

While challenging would describe the last several weeks......thankful would as well. I am so grateful for my husband who has come alongside this hormonal wife of his and been such a helper to me. I am thankful for sweet family and friends who have prayed for and checked on us. I am thankful for my sweet little Evelyn who challenges and teaches her mama so much each day. I am thankful for the precious heart that she has and how I see tiny little seeds being planted in her. I am thankful for baby boy who has brought so much joy to my heart. I am so grateful that he is sleeping and eating well. (No not through the night....haha). I am thankful for his sweet smiles that he gives. I am grateful to God for giving us these precious blessings. I have been overwhelmed at how good God is to give us two growing, healthy babies. We don't deserve it. 

I know that I will continue to have good and bad days. There will be days of feeling like I can handle this and days where I feel like I have failed. I serve a faithful God who has given me this job. I pray that I do it for His glory and as I serve my family, remember that I am serving Christ. 

Thoughts on Motherhood Volume 12 (Life with Two)

Whew....almost two weeks into life with two babies and it seems like the quickest and longest two weeks. I haven't done one of these posts in almost a year, but I want to document this time. Life with two is.......beautiful.....exhausting.....challenging.......fun.......all the emotions rolled into one. I was always so excited for this long awaited gift of having two babies. I could not wait to watch my sweet little Evelyn become a big sister! I couldn't wait to snuggle a newborn again!

With Evelyn, I felt like I soaked up every second. Every cry, smile, sleepless night, etc....it was all soaked up. This precious little boy has come into our family, and already I can feel that mom guilt of it all moving so quickly. I am trying so hard to soak every bit of his newness. I am trying to balance playing with my girl plus all the needs that my Joel has that only I can fulfill. Hard. So so hard. It has come with its challenges. Newborns like to be held a lot.....two year olds like the attention that they had become familiar with before they had a little brother so tantrums happen. Life with two has also been so precious!  Seeing Evelyn love on her "Baby Jo Jo" and watching this little love grow and change so quickly has been a great privilege. 

I have found that God has given so much grace for each moment. I'll be honest, last night Evelyn had a major meltdown. It was my first night to be home by myself to do dinner, bath, etc. But, I found that in the moment God showed me that this was going to be so fleeting. That was my biggest lesson through every stage of watching Evelyn grow. It is all a season. They feel long when you walk through them, but they are mostly incredibly short. God is so faithful. What a gift to be a mama to this little girl and little boy. I cannot wait to watch them grow. I cannot wait to teach them and love on them and prayerfully be a good example for them. 

I'm so grateful for our little family. I'm especially grateful for a helpful and loving husband. He has been so kind, let me cry, given Evelyn attention when she needed it, and let me shower everyday since we have been home! :) God is so good to us, and we have so much to be thankful for! 

**All of these sweet photos from the hospital were taken by a precious friend, Emily Bass** So grateful to have them! :) 

Baby Kittrell #2 Is............

Well, apparently my patience is not as great this time around! If we would have waited to find out what the gender of this baby was until our anatomy scan, it would have landed at 20 weeks (same as Evelyn).  Tuesday was my birthday, and I told my husband that I would love to find out what we were having! I am 16 weeks and the thought of waiting 4 more weeks didn't sound fun, but I was of course willing to do so. Well, he sweetly set it up for us to go get a little sneak and we were able to find out if Evelyn was getting a brother or a sister! Because we did a little video to announce that Evelyn would be joining our family, we thought we should do the same for this little one! We cannot wait to welcome this sweet baby in January! 

A Letter to My Girl on Her 2nd Birthday

My Little Evelyn,

Two years old. It is hard to believe that you have been in our family for two years. These years have been the sweetest for your dad and I. It is not always easy and you are teaching me so much about patience, my own selfishness, and about unconditional love. You have grown up so much this year, and sadly, we are seeing less and less of your baby side and more of your big girl side. That part isn't always fun, but what a joy to see you learn new things, your vocabulary explode, and you grow bigger each day. 

There is so much about your second year that I don't want to forget. You started walking between 13-14 months, and once you figured it out there was no stopping you. :) You LOVE books and want mama to read to you all the time. You are so smart and saying so many words. You are even saying a few little sentences here and there. It is so nice that you can communicate with us and we know what you want. You love Mickey Mouse and Doc McStuffins. You love music and love to dance. You started to love your baby doll Sally or "Sassy" as you call her and you are a good little mama! You love to feed her a bottle, but are still quick to bring her to me when she poo poos. :)

You are quick to fold your hands so we can pray before meals. You love to eat....and want a "nack" often. You are still a great sleeper most of the time! You have the most hilarious personality and can give some funny looks. You are incredibly outgoing, saying "hi!" to everyone in the grocery store or restaurants. But, bless it if they say hi back because depending on your mood...you cut those eyes making them think they did something terribly wrong. haha. You absolutely love the wa wa and going swimming is your favorite. You are a great swimmer and know how to float. You love animals...particularly puppies. Oh my gracious. They are your favorite!

You love your grandparents so much and all of your cousins and aunts and uncles. Bubbles and being outside are two of your favorite things as well. When we pray you like to say, "hold" like we need to hold hands when we do it. When you want me to sing "Jesus Loves Me" you say "Bible Bible". This year you also started testing lots of limits, and you weren't angelic all the time! :) You definitely have some sass to you and have opinions. For a while you didn't really know to say the word "no" but you have learned it and put it into practice when you want to. :) There are certainly days where you are fussy and irritable and mama has no idea what to do. But, most of the time you are a pretty content little girl. You play hard, eat well, and are typically sweet. 

My little love, I was praying for you this morning and praising God for your life. I can't get over the gift that He gave us in you. We waited and prayed for you for a long time, but my goodness.... The Lord exceeded our expectations. You are a treasure. Our lives are far more fun, harder (at times), more exhausting, but so much richer because you are in it. 

I am praying a lot of things for your third year. You are talking more and understanding more so I am praying that God helps me to continue to disciple you. I am praying that God will give us more conversations about stories in His Word. I am praying that I can teach you Scripture and that your little mind will absorb it. I am praying that I will be wise with how I spend my time when you are with me, remembering that each day is a gift and an opportunity to shepherd your heart. I am praying that you grow bigger. I am praying that you continue to learn to share and be kind (as this is not always easy). I am praying that even at this very young age, the Lord will pull your heart towards Him. There is nothing better, my girl. I am praying that your daddy and I will be good examples of Christ for you. 

You will experience a big transition this year as you become a big sister. I cannot wait for you to take on that role, but I know it will bring challenges for us both. You are such a joy my Evelyn Anne! I am so thankful that I get to be your mama. I am thankful that I get to spend my days with you. It has truly always been the desire of my heart, and how gracious of the Lord to allow it. I cannot wait to enjoy these last six months of it being just the three of us. 

Happy Birthday my precious Evelyn! I love you so much!

All My Love,

Mama

Because...He is Faithful No Matter What

Remember this post.... The post that I felt like I had waited forever to get to write... The one where we finally got to announce that a sweet little baby was growing in my tummy? I was so excited! I  remember crying so many tears and being giddy that I got to share this long awaited news. It had taken what seemed like an eternity to finally be pregnant.

Well, we are kind of in the waiting boat again, and really have been since Evelyn was born. Now, don't get me wrong....when you have a precious little girl that was the answer to so many prayers, waiting with you, taking up your time, etc.....it makes the waiting game a bit easier. Here is the deal.....in the last couple of months I have been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome. For a girl who has dreamed of being a mama to many babies since she was little...this was a difficult blow. I have cried lots of tears. 

My initial response was feeling sorry for myself. Why God? Why do so many other people simply have to look at each other and they get pregnant? Why am I going to have to keep waiting longer? Why is this so difficult? He has been gracious to listen to my cries. Since then, God, in all of His grace, has taken me by the hand, and begun to show me how to walk through this. I have had some hard days where I have been sad and discouraged. I have also had a lot of great days where I walk well through this trial. He has sustained me and will continue to sustain me.

God has been teaching me a lot lately. The other day I was thinking to myself that I couldn't wait to share my story AFTER I got pregnant and talk about God's faithfulness through all of it. I couldn't wait to encourage someone going through the same thing when I came out on the other side. The Lord spoke to me and said...."Why not now?" I immediately felt terrible, because I realized that this was as if I was saying that He wasn't being faithful now or until I got what I prayed for. God has graciously been showing me that HE IS ENOUGH. Of course I have known that...but, He is meeting me where I need Him. 

A few months ago I was reading in the Psalms (which I have found myself in a lot lately). In Psalm 66 verse 12 says, "You let people ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but YOU BROUGHT US TO A PLACE of ABUNDANCE." It goes on in verse 20 to say, "Praise be to God, who has not rejected my prayer or withheld His love from me!" This Psalm is referencing how faithful God was in bringing the Israelites out of Egypt and to the Promised Land! I remember my initial thought being...I can't wait for the abundance. I can't wait to see how He doesn't withhold His love from me. But friend, He hasn't! He allows me to wake up each day. I am living in abundance because I get to walk with Christ!! I am living in abundance because I get to talk to Him whenever I want! I get to read His Word. I get to serve Him. Everything else is just a good gift from Him.....They are just the cherry on top of being known by my heavenly Father. 

In August, the Lord showed me this verse: "I will remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." -Psalms 27:13-14   He also brought me back to it last Friday when I really needed it. It would be easy to interpret it my own way. Goodness of the Lord=Pregnancy. Right? Waiting for...........a baby. Right? But this might not be the case, and if it isn't I am still promised to see His goodness. This is what He has shown me......

God is faithful if I get pregnant and get to be a mama four more times. He is faithful if I get to be a mama one more time. He is faithful if I get pregnant and tragically lose that baby. He is faithful if I never get pregnant again. He is faithful if we adopt. He is faithful if Evelyn is our only child. His plans are PERFECT. His plans are BEST. His plans for my life will be whatever brings Him the most glory. He is sovereign over every situation. 

So sure....does it sting when month after month goes by without being pregnant? Maybe a little. But friends, nothing compares to being known by my heavenly Father. He knows my heart. He knows my desires. But, I know that He can change my desires. My heart has to be content in Him. There are days where walking this road seems like the hardest thing, and you know....I haven't had many moments in my life where I have had to struggle so it probably is. There are also days where He consistently shows me that a relationship with Him, spending time with Him, sitting and resting in His presence is only thing I need. I am learning that when my heart hurts or doubts His goodness, I need to press in closer to Him. I have to be in His Word so that I can know Him better. The more I know Him, the more I can trust Him. My heart ebbs and flows. My emotions ebb and flow. But, God is constant. He is always with me. He never changes. He is always faithful... no matter what.

It's A.......

I completely planned to post some photography related posts before now. However, between sickness, school, and everything else....I just have not felt like it. But, yesterday is a day worth sharing about. Brett and I went to the doctor to find out if this sweet baby growing inside me is a boy or a girl. It was such a special day. We made a little video to share the news with our family.....

It's a GIRL! I was obviously shocked. As you can tell by my outfit.....I was thinking team boy all the way! It still hasn't quite set in that it is a girl! But...we are thrilled and praising God for a healthy baby!!

Sweet Baby Kittrell

Wow! I feel like I have waited forever to write this post. Announcing the arrival of our sweet baby has been something I dreamed about for a long time. I definitely don't plan on this turning into a major baby bump blog. I won't update every week and this will still be a photography blog! However, I make no promises once this sweet thing enters the world! I might just be obsessed! :)

I wanted to share some of our story. Mainly, I want to document it with hopes that it can encourage someone. Also, I want to make sure that the Lord gets every bit of glory for this sweet little miracle.

It started in June of 2013 when we decided to go off of birth control. We didn't really have any plans to "try" to have a baby, but we were just going to see what happened. Throughout my life I never had a strong fear of not being able to get pregnant, however, it was kind of in the back of my mind. I did know that it could take some time. Obviously when I was on birth control my cycles were completely normal. Everything was regulated. It should also be mentioned that I am hypothyroid and was diagnosed around the same time that I went on birth control for the first time.

Anyways, after we went off of birth control my cycles almost completely disappeared. Naturally, I got excited thinking that we had gotten pregnant really quickly! That wasn't the case. I went months at a time without having a period. It was really strange..and also very discouraging. After a few months I went to the doctor and got progesterone which allows me to have a period. Our goal at this point was to regulate things. Basically, since I went off birth control I haven't had a period on my own. I either didn't have one or had to trigger one using medicine.

Emotionally this was a hard time for me. Many people know that I have wanted to be a mom since I was really young! I continued to see person after person and friend after friend get pregnant. I was never in any way not happy for them. How can you not be happy for someone expecting? It was just such a season of hurt and confusion. I obviously had no control over the situation. I will say, there were moments where I walked through it with such grace and such a peace. But, there were other moments of questioning and not trusting that His plans were best. It was a really challenging time, but such a time of spiritual growth as well.

Around May, I changed my doctor and was now seeing a friend. She put all of the options out there about every fertility option we could do. She talked about how aggressive we could be or not.... I was overwhelmed after leaving. Brett and I really prayed through everything and ultimately decided to go through other options. I just really didn't want to go through fertility stuff just yet. I wasn't against it, but I just felt that I could and needed to be patient a bit longer. Things continued over the summer. A year of not preventing things came and went. I was still not having periods unless I took something to trigger it.

Brett and I decided that by October we would try clomid which causes ovulation. I had gotten the prescription filled and was just waiting until the day that I could take it. One morning I was praying and reading my Bible, and I felt that God told me to be patient. He basically asked me, "Are you going to trust me or medicine?" Of course, I thought I had been trusting Him through this last year and a half. I had waited and really did not know why I needed to wait longer. I had been studying the life of Moses in BSF and it was all about Moses waiting. I was learning that waiting was a time for me to draw closer to God. In the lecture I had heard that night before I was supposed to take the clomid, I heard, "When He calls us to a new harder obedience.....I have to remember His provision, enablement, mercy, deliverance, salvation, etc."  I knew that even though it was hard, I had to be obedient. I didn't take the medicine and waited. I will say, there really was not anything in me that thought I would get pregnant because I was being obedient. Honestly, I just assumed I was going to learn something in the waiting. I was just trying to trust His timing and trust that He was faithful in EVERY situation.

In November, I took progesterone to trigger my monthly friend. I planned to continue to pray and take clomid if I felt like that was what God told me to do. I was planning on taking it and waiting and waiting for my period. Well, after lots of waiting, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I didn't want to, because I didn't want to see another negative one. Well, I took one and amazingly enough I saw two pink lines. I couldn't even believe it!! I cried and cried and cried! I just remember feeling so grateful and just praising God for His faithfulness! Later I took two more because let's be honest, it is really nice to see a positive test when you have seen so many negative ones! :)

Brett has an early Bible study on Friday mornings, but I knew I couldn't wait all day to tell him. I drove down and took him breakfast when he got out. We were both so excited! Over the last weeks we have had the joy of telling our parents and close friends! I was amazed at the love that people have shown us and the excitement! It is all so overwhelming!

It has been so exciting to go to the doctor and hear this little heartbeat. I have also been incredibly nauseous and pretty exhausted. But, it is obviously all worth it! I am out of the first trimester now, and starting to feel better!

Brett and I are so thankful for all of the excitement! We cannot wait for July! We are so thrilled to welcome this baby into the world! God's timing is perfect. He is faithful all the time. I can't know His plans, and they are far greater than mine! We have learned a lot about trusting Him over this last year and a half. I hope that I can continue to encourage others with this story. I know that it doesn't matter how long you try to have a baby, whether it be 2 months, a year, or 5....it is hard. There is nothing easy about it, and it is challenging to not have control. But, God is sovereign. His plans are perfect.

"It is good to give thanks to the Lord, to sing praises to your name, O Most High; to declare your steadfast love in the morning, and your faithfulness by night, to the music of the lute and the harp, to the melody of the lyre. For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work;  at the works of your hands I sing for joy. How great are your works, O Lord!  Your thoughts are very deep!"

-Psalm 92: 1-5

3 Years

I can't believe it has been 3 years. B, November 12, 2011 was the happiest day! I remember being SO excited! I could not wait to marry you! Thank you for being an amazing husband. Thank you for being helpful, caring, and sensitive! Thank you for loving me well. Thank you for being the BEST!

You are my favorite! I am so happy that you asked me to marry you! I am so thankful for our marriage, and cannot imagine standing next to anyone else as I walk through life. I love you so much more than I did three years ago!

You are the BEST husband! :)

A Little Life Update

Currently, I am on my way to a week-long vacation with most of my family! This will be the last little bit of travel before school starts!

It has been far too long since I have done any sort of life update. This blog is primarily become all about my different photography sessions. I love sharing them, but this is definitely not the only thing going on in my life. In May I finished up my third full year of teaching. I don't talk about my actual full time job enough. I think that is because sometimes photography feels more full time than teaching. While I love photography and one day I believe it will be my only full time job, I could not be more thankful for teaching. It is hard on so many days. However, these last few years, particularly the last two have been so wonderful. The school that I teach at is one of the most rewarding places. The last two years I have taught 5th grade and have had the best students. They are so funny and really made my days so full and exciting! The parents and the staff that I work with are incredible. Next year I will be teaching 3rd grade which is fun and scary all at the same time. I am excited about getting some younger babies, but I definitely got comfortable with 5th graders. I think that it will come with its challenges, but I know that the students will be so sweet!

*Brett and I on Easter*

*Mom and I spent a couple of nights of my spring break at the Grand Hotel across the bay. It was such a nice time to get away!*

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This summer has been FULL!! I took only a few sessions this summer and I am happy to report, I have been pretty consistent about sharing them! :) It has been full for other reasons. Brett and I have traveled a decent bit, I have had some photography, Brett has been busy at work, and I have gotten to spend my days loving on babies!

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Zac Brown Band concert....a perfect way to begin the summer! :)

I have also been learning so much. So much. This spring and summer has been so good and challenging. I really want to share more about all that I have been learning and will very soon!

So as far as personal posts go.....I will return soon with our Disney trip, time with Brett's family, and more about all that the Lord has been teaching me! There also probably needs to be a post about just how wonderful I think my husband is. Man oh man! He is such a blessing and an incredible gift from God!

It is such a privilege to allow the Lord to shape you and I am thankful for the grace He has shown me. I am off to enjoy a week of vacation!!

"I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart!"

-Jeremiah 24:7

Fourth of July Weekend

It has been a while since I have shared anything non-photography related. I hate that because I really enjoy sharing about the things that we do. Brett and I have had such a fun summer and I have been learning so much that I really want to share! Anyways, this past weekend was so incredibly fun! My entire family was together which means kiddos, laughs, LOUD, and so much fun! We had tons of food, lived in the pool, and loved on babies! It was perfect! Here are a few pictures from our weekend!

Uncle Sam always has a patriotic shirt! :)

We also celebrated all of the summer birthdays in the family! Virginia and Amy celebrate in July and Sam, Lucy, and I celebrate in August! We will also have sweet Sadie joining us in August as well! Such a full month!!

So excited to blow those candles out! :)

Oh and plenty of poolside naps! Such a fun and refreshing weekend! I love my family!!