Thoughts on Motherhood (Volume 7--Mother's Day)

I have been a mom for 300 days now. I have experienced so much in these 300 days. The other day, Brett and I were talking and he asked me, "So...in her almost 10 month of life...is it everything you thought it would be?"  My response was that it was so much better and so much harder than I ever imagined it would be. 

I remember sitting in church last mother's day feeling the kicks and pokes and rolls from my baby girl. I remember being so incredibly happy to finally be able to have those feelings after so much prayer. Now, a year later, I can tell you that being a mom is simply more than I could ever put into words. 

In the last 300 days I have experienced.....what is the phrase everyone is saying...."all the feels" (I kind of really hate that term :)   ) But, it is accurate. Only motherhood could have you feeling so incredibly excited to see all of the next stages your baby will go through, and in the next minute be crying because you are so sad they are getting bigger. :)

I have experienced every emotion. Motherhood throws so many curve balls at you. I was telling a friend that I feel like it is so much trial and error. I have found myself going from confident to second guessing each decision I make. I remember in my early months of motherhood worrying about her schedule, her sleep, nursing, and everything in between. I have certainly grown in my confidence in the last few months, but I have also seen new areas where I worry.  I worry about everything from her falling and hitting her head to future friendships to her relationship with the Lord. Because.........all of those things are in my control right? haha. God is so sweet to consistently remind me that He is in control and that I do not have to worry.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" (Luke 12:25)

This tiny little girl has changed my perspective in so many ways. I get to see her discover new things. I get to see her feel the wind on her face and get excited. I get to see her little mind learn and grow and finally grasp things I am teaching her. I have gotten to see her little body learn to roll over, crawl, and before too long she will walk and run!  What an incredible privilege! I can't believe how much she has grown. I love getting to see the world through her little eyes.

It also has made me think so much about my own mom. She is the most incredible woman. On the long fussy days and the exhausting nights, I think....she did this four times...and I may do it four times as well, but currently the Lord is giving me grace for one. But my mom....I see the sacrifices she made. I see how hard it was on some days. But, I also see the great rewards that are to come. I know that I most likely have no idea the hard and good things that I will experience, but in these ten months I have gotten just a glimpse of how she felt. I think about how as moms we just press on each day, because truly......we do not get an off day. The days are so busy. Sometimes it is just hard to be a mama. But, gracious me...what a blessing. What an honor. My mom has already left such a legacy. Her life should be celebrated today and EVERY single day. She cooked, she cleaned, she drove us everywhere, she sacrificed, she helped with projects, she did it all. She was and is a Godly example for me, and continues to push me towards Christ as I walk through motherhood. I pray that I am half the mom that she was and is to my siblings and I. 

So.....to my mom, thank you. You are a sweet example to me. You love the Lord with all your heart, and push me towards the Lord. You encourage, and you call me out. You are a helper to me and the most loving and sacrificial woman. Thank you for your years of doing it all. I love you so so much!

My sweet Evelyn, I am so grateful God gave you to me. I am so thankful that you made me a mama, and that I get to spend my days with you. You have made these last 300 days some of the sweetest and most challenging. God has used you to refine me. He has used you to show me just a small glimpse of His love for His children.  I cherish every moment I get to rock you, feed you, play with you, hear you cry, kiss you, hug you, and watch you grow. I have cried so many tears as I think about how overwhelmed I am to get to parent you. I pray that I do it well. I pray that you always know you are so loved by me.

Happy Mother's Day to every Mama out there! To those who are waiting and longing to be a mama, I am saying a special prayer for you today, because I know that feeling all to well. 

Thoughts on Motherhood (Volume 6)

I could imagine that when you become a mom, whether it is your first or your fifth, it takes a while to catch your breath. You feel like you are in survival mode as you strive to figure out this new rhythm for your family. I am sure that the amount of  time when you get out of that newness and start to feel that "I got this" attitude is different from person to person. For me, I felt that we stepped out of the fog and into a groove as a family of three when Evelyn turned six months old. Now, the Lord was so gracious to allow us to have many days in the first six months where we felt good, rested, and normal. The first six months were so sweet, and by no means misery. But, as a whole, I don't think we really "figured it out" (FYI : I use that term very loosely :)  ) until about 6 months in.

Now that we are nine months in, we have settled into our routine. Evelyn is more consistent with eating and sleeping. It just feels more comfortable. There are still days where Ev is whiny and doesn't nap well, and it seems like all I do is cry out to the Lord for patience and grace. (Ahem...this week...ahem teeth) Then there are days where she seems angelic, naps well, we go on walks, and I think to myself....this is what I signed up for. :) haha.  

But really....I signed up for all of it. I signed up for the smiles, cries, sleepless nights, day to day routine, milestones, the good, and the bad. There are days when it is so challenging. There are days when I climb into bed and think....what did I do today? But y'all....what a privilege to be a mama. What a hard, wonderful, exhausting, sanctifying privilege it is! I just finished reading the book, "The Practice of the Presence of God" by Brother Lawrence, and what a gift. The stories of his life and how he learned to just be in and aware of the Lord's presence throughout his days was so good for me to read about. There are days where I go through my routines and feel like it is the same every single day. Wake up, make breakfast, play, nap time, laundry, cleaning, fix lunch, play, nap time, dinner, play, bath, bedtime, repeat. 

"The dear brother remarked that we must give ourselves totally to God in both temporal and spiritual affairs. Our only happiness should come from doing God's will, whether it brings us some pain or great pleasure."

Yes! I should be joyful all the time throughout my day because this is the work that God has given me to do!

"The most effective way Brother Lawrence had for communicating with God was to simply do his ordinary work. He did this obediently, out of a pure love of God, purifying it as much as was humanly possible. He believed it was a serious mistake to think of our prayer time as being different from any other. Our actions should unite us with God when we are involved in our daily activities, just as our prayers unite us with Him in our quiet devotion."

This has so helped me. Am I going through my daily routines because it is what I have to do? Do I do my tasks with a grateful and joyful heart? Sometimes....I do. But there are days that I don't. I should be doing my work out of a love for the Lord. Since becoming a mom, I have found myself lifting up prayers more continually throughout my days. Somedays my time with Him looks different than others. But, I have really tried to practice being in His presence and dwelling with Him during my days, and not just for the 30-45 minutes I have with Him in the morning. Because really......I NEED Him all day. I need His grace, and I need to be in communion with Him. 

In the last nine months I have watched my baby grow. She is getting so big and more independent. I have shed frustrated tears. I have shed emotional tears about how fast the days are going. I have been confident, and I have doubted myself. I can't even explain how much I have learned. So often I look at this baby growing and think, "this is the sweetest gift that the Lord could ever give me." She is. It doesn't mean it is easy or fun all of the time. But, it is truly one thing God is using in my life to strengthen my faith, draw me closer to Him, reveal so much sin, and sanctify me. 

I really do try to savor the time I have with her. I am grateful for the days, even when they are long. I am grateful that I get to see her grow and change. I am thankful for the good and the hard.

Nine months ago, I had no idea the extent to which my life would change.

My Evie girl, I love you dearly. You are such a treasure. It is hard to believe we are almost done with your first year. I plan to savor these last three months of your first year, and truly soak them in. You bring us so much joy! Happy nine months baby girl!

**Photos of our family together by the talented Samantha Vickers Photography**

Thoughts on Motherhood (Volume 5)

3 A.M. and I hear those little (sometimes loud) cries come through the monitor. I think to myself, wasn't I just up 3 hours ago? I groggily (and sometimes very frustrated) slip to her room, scoop her up, sit in her rocking chair, and nurse her. Some nights are better than others. Some nights I have a good attitude. Some nights I think...."you are almost 6 months old...shouldn't you be sleeping through the night?" BUT....every night, I am thankful. I am thankful for this little life. I am thankful that I get to rock her, that I get to nurse her, and that I have the privilege of loving her.

Motherhood is hard. I didn't even know how hard it would be. It is the most sanctifying and sacrificial thing I have ever done. It is a struggle between trusting your instincts and second guessing most everything you do. But, when I second guess myself I hear the Lord whisper....trust me. Because really, He is the One who knows BEST and can help me the most. He wants me to learn to walk closer with Him, and stop relying on my own abilities. He longs for me to sit with Him, and rest in Him. 

The last few days have been hard....really hard. I have done nothing (or so it seems to me) but nurse her and hold her. She has been teething....and we actually can barely see and FEEL her first tooth coming through! So...my house looks like a bomb went off, photography has been put aside, and she has been it!  But, I am so thankful. Yesterday was so hard, and I was going into the night with a bad attitude thinking, "this is going to be awful....". I went to take a shower and the Lord just said, "Laura, my grace is sufficient!" over and over to me. At that moment my entire attitude changed. Now...do I want to wake up once, twice, or eight times in the middle of the night? Um. No. But, at that moment, I knew the Lord wanted me to be joyful and remember that His grace is sufficient. I was talking to my mom about it, and she was telling me she remembered those days where it felt like she got nothing accomplished. She said she knew that the Lord was using these times to refine and teach me. I told her that He always is teaching me, but that often I don't see it until the end of the day when I am rocking Evie for the last time. It is hard, because I long to walk well IN THE MIDST of the hard times. I am thankful that His mercies are new EVERY MORNING! 

I have learned that motherhood is a lot about expectations, but also about the giving those expectations to the Lord. It is not unusual that I would expect that my baby should sleep well by a certain age. I expect that each night, if I follow the same routines, she will have a similar night. I expect that she will nap well most days. :) There are so many days where I have a list of things I need to get done, but she needs me more. It would be easy to feel defeated, and I have felt that way often. But, I have also learned that it is much easier to not have expectations. It is easier to give my days to the Lord, and  to not get upset when things do not go how I expect that they should. Expectations can only cultivate disappointment, frustration, and feelings of self-pity. Those things are not of the Lord. He is showing me that He wants to stretch me. He wants to take those hard moments and make them teachable moments. I don't always respond in the correct way. In fact, there are plenty of days that end in tears. But, His grace is sufficient and His plans are sovereign. He knows my days before I live them. I am learning that it is ok to not get it all done. I am learning it is ok to fall short (and I do!). I am learning to press in closer to Him, and hear His voice. I think He speaks to mama's in a special way....because, let's be honest, I talk to Him a lot during the day. 

I am so grateful that I have gotten to watch this baby grow and change and develop the last six months. I have gotten to witness so many milestones from following our voices, smiling, giggling, squealing, rolling, sitting up, and so much more. What a privilege to see how the Lord has allowed her to grow and change. Motherhood is such an honor. She is such a gift. The good FAR outweighs the hard. God is using Evelyn to strip away all of the yuck in my life. He is using her to teach me, stretch me, and help me to stop trying so hard. It is true that the days are long. But, these last six months have truly flown by. I can only pray that I would continue to learn to walk well, and that I would savor every moment I have with her.

My sweet Evelyn, you are a treasure, and I love you to pieces! 

Thoughts on Motherhood (Volume 4)

Whew....almost 5 months in. Where does the time go? This baby girl is teaching me to slow down. She is teaching me to cherish every moment, because time is going so quickly. I had no idea how fast it would go. She is growing and changing so much. She is rolling all over the place, and starting to try and sit up. She has a happy little personality, and is just so much fun!

There is much about this season that I am so grateful for. Thanksgiving was a sweet time. As I think back to previous holidays where I longed for a baby, I was so thankful to be holding my girl this year. I just sent out Christmas cards, and I can't tell you how overwhelming it is that we have a third family member in that picture with us, after four years of it being just the two of us.  It was so sweet to sign those cards, "Brett, Laura, and Evelyn Kittrell". Truly, God's plans are so much better than mine. Waiting for this baby to join our family certainly wasn't in my plans, but I am thankful for how God saw fit to bless us. His timing is perfect. 

Image  by Kathryn Peters Photography

We are wrapping up her first little sickness, and man....let's not do that again. Seriously....seeing my baby sick is FAR worse than me being sick. I will gladly take it from her next time, although the extra snuggles were welcomed by me. This time made me so grateful that I get to be home with her. Don't get me wrong....it is hard. I have been around babies a lot. I felt that I was fairly prepared for motherhood, but I had no idea how challenging some days would be. Being up in the middle of the night is exhausting, but God always gives me the rest I need (although I pray for more daily), and sustains me to be ready for the next day. I don't always have the best attitude, and certainly don't always look forward to seeing the hour of 3 AM (or 12 AM, or 2 AM, or 5 AM). But, the rewards of this work that I get to do are so great. I have always wanted to have babies and stay home and take care of them. I am living my dream. Again, not that it is always perfect...But I am so grateful for this opportunity.

I have been thinking a lot about how I see a picture of the gospel in motherhood. God has allowed me to see, probably the most evident picture of the gospel through my marriage. But motherhood...... I am seeing the gospel with fresh eyes. Evelyn has really done nothing to deserve my love, but she has it forever and ever. I have done nothing to deserve God's love, but He loves me unconditionally. I am so grateful. In spite of my sin, God chooses to love me. What a gift and a privilege. 

I can't believe that it was around this time last year that we were getting ready to announce that we would be becoming a family of three. The year has flown by, and these past few months have been so quick. I feel like I say it over and over, but there is truly no greater gift than this sweet girl. It is the hardest and best thing I have ever done. Somedays I think.....how will I do this when another one comes along....and other days, she makes me want to have 12. :) She is so sweet, and is the best reason for exhaustion, spit up on my clothes, and a messy house. I am so blessed, and so thankful that God has allowed me to be her mommy. I am so grateful for what I am learning, and for God's grace when I make mistakes. 

I cannot wait to see what the next months have in store for me. I know we are going to see so many changes and so much growth. Love you sweet Evelyn!

Evelyn's Nursery

This room....it is probably my favorite now. I just love it, and love how it came together! I am so excited to share it, and will be even more excited to show my little girl!

 When we began thinking about the nursery I knew that no matter girl or boy I wanted a good bit of it to be gender neutral. We painted the nursery a very pale blueish/green color. The pictures actually make the color seem a little brighter. Her bedding is also plain white which is also pretty neutral.

We have certainly added some girly touches because....while I didn't want all pink.....she is a girl and I wasn't going to pass on the opportunity to make it a little girly for her!

We recovered this glider and I love how it turned out! I really love the fabric we chose!

This sweet painting above her crib was done by an amazingly talented friend! I love it! Also, you may see a little bird theme going on. When we decided on her name (which is a family name, but also one Brett and I just loved) we looked up what it meant. Well, somehow we saw in French that it meant "little bird"...Um, doesn't everyone look up what their child's name means in French? Actually, pretty sure it just didn't mean anything cool in English. Oh well....so yes, there is a little bird theme. 

That same friend painted this as well. This little poem is one my mom's grandfather said to her all them time, and then my mom said it to us! 

This crib was found by my aunt in Tampa, FL a long time before I was pregnant. It was saved for me, and I just love all of the details of it! This is the sweet outfit she will wear home from the hospital!

And that is that. Just waiting on her to arrive so we can show her around! :) Hurry up little girl!